Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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