Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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