My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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