Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
