home. puking in laundry basket.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
