There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
