I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
