When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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