Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
