Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
