Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
