I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
