Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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