I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
