I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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