does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
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