when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i wish my penis had a tongue
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
