the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
