I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
