I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
