Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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