my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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