If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
How external is "for external use only"?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
