You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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