Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
