I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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