I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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