one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
