of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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