I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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