and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
