I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
