I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
