it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
