I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
