I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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