I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
