I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
