If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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