Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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