At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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