Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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