My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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