mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
