My liver just broke up with me...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
