He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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