There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
