I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
