Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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