I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
